I began to realize the only thing in my way was myself. The need to be in control of every situation so I could remain "stable" - so I could cling to a false sense of safety. The undealt with trauma that had been pent up inside of me for 27 years and the incapability of regulating my thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

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I started to get to know myself. The real me. Under the coping mechanisms. The outbursts. The people pleasing. The list could go on. But underneath all of it...was a scared little girl fighting to survive.

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Fighting to survive the trauma. The abuse. The stories of: everyone leaves, no one loves me. My own victimhood mentality.

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I had to make myself uncomfortable. I had to analyze why I thought the way that I did. I began studying multiple different thought modalities like buddhism and shamanism. As I began to practice these tools more and more, I was able to get to the roots of my own conditioning, coping mechanisms; into the muck of it.

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I found, what was more or less for me, in terms of what I was taught as a child and what was no longer serving a purpose. I had to take from me, what I thought was my personality, BUT was learned conditioning of how to be, look, act, think, etc. to just remain safe.

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I learned how to feel more intuitively and trust myself. Love myself. Know myself.

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Working with myself on my own healing journey with other practitioners has allowed me to share with others and hold space for them. We will never be perfect, but we are always capable of choosing something different. Even if it is uncomfortable at first with False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR).

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The podcast I began, Death & A Butterfly, is a testament to fear and change. My podcast alone allowed me to process situations or events and grow from them. It can be funny to have a literal recorded journal and listen to a past version of me, but it was all for the simple need to get to know myself. Even in your darkness there is light waiting to shine.

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Can you imagine coming to a session and sitting with someone who is not judging you? Allowing you to be yourself and have the  healing journey you need to move upwards and onwards.

 

Gnothi seauton. Por el bien de todos.

Know thyself. For the good of all.